Ok, everyone...here it is. This blog post will be full of very real, raw heart. It's has been a long time coming because every time I decide to write a post like this, something stops me. Maybe I am afraid of what people will think or worried I'll be discredited because I've never been in a dating relationship...Whatever those reservations may be, I am prepared to push past them and write this piece for the purpose of encouraging, and being straightforward about some issues that single Christians encounter. There are so many blogs, vlogs, etc. for single Christians but I hope I can shed a new light/ perspective on this subject.
As I've already mentioned, I have never been in a dating relationship. However, that doesn't mean I haven't talked to guys before with the hopes of entering a relationship. Like most other girls my age, I have the desire to date and eventually marry. Through this time of being single, it can be difficult to ignore the "peer pressure" from the world to be in a relationship, or at least appear happy with someone. The world sends the message that you can't find happiness unless you find a fun and seemingly "perfect" relationship. It can be something you take a risk on and jump into quickly, but as long as you're in a relationship (and make everyone aware of your status), that's all that matters. That's what is truly wrong with the world's idea of a "relationship." There is this misconception among young people in our society that you must have the status of being in a relationship, or people will think you are somehow unhappy. Rather than trying to jump into a relationship for the sake of the status and initial joy it brings, trust that God has more for you, and wait on his perfect timing. God needs you to trust in this season of waiting. That doesn't mean giving in to any old opportunity when it is presented to you. Don't lower your standards just because you haven't found someone who meets them yet.
In any relationship, there needs to be an effort on both sides. For example, if I never talked to my parents, or they never talked to me, we probably wouldn't have any kind of relationship. If my parents tried to communicate with me, but I ignored them, we would have a one-sided relationship. With a serious lack in communication, we wouldn't get along very well. We wouldn't be able to make sense of the situation, and find out how to change it. Just like I couldn't build a relationship with my parents without effort on both sides, a guy and girl cannot expect to form a relationship if there is a lack of communication or misunderstanding between them.
In our society, it is becoming more and more common that the girls make the first move with a guy. All the "rules of dating" are completely reversed. I have talked to my parents a lot about this topic because it is often difficult for me to understand. I was raised to allow the guy to approach me and make his intentions known. I have never been the girl who would walk up to a guy and introduce myself, unless in a group/ social setting. That's not to say I wouldn't show interest if a guy did approach me and I was, in fact, interested. However, one of my pet peeves is that guys will get a girl's number, text for a few weeks, and that's it. They make no extra effort to get to know her. So, here's my note to guys who don't understand how to make their intentions, or lack of, known. This is from a girl's perspective. Toward the end of this post, you can find an article my dad wrote from a man's perspective about guys who do not make an effort to get to know a girl.
To the guy who needs to make an effort:
So, you've been texting her for two weeks straight, every single day. She appreciates your interest in trying to get to know her and communicate on a daily basis. She can't deny that she enjoys your attention. Unfortunately, she's the kind of girl who is used to what you're doing. She's had guys talk to her before through texting. Therefore, she's waiting to see if you can put as much effort into hanging out with her as you can texting her. If you said you were going to visit, she's waiting to see if you'll keep your word. But don't think she doesn't know what disappointment feels like. If you want to be different than other guys, you'll have to prove it. She wants to know if you're willing to get to know her in person, and if you're not, she will politely release herself from your attention. That's because she doesn't want to waste her time on someone who isn't going to intentionally pursue her heart. Here's the ultimatum...you need to make an effort. You might think you're already doing that, but the truth is that texting will not show you who she really is: What makes her laugh. What she's passionate about. How she gets along with others. Whether she is selfish or selfless. Texting is the convenient approach to building a relationship of any kind-whether it be a friendship or more. If you think this girl is worth pursuing, start spending time with her. Words are futile, and as the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words." It's time for you to make an intentional effort to pursue a girl who is patiently waiting. If you can't do that, you're not the one she's been waiting for.
Now that I've discussed, from a girl's perspective, what is wrong with the modern concept of dating, here is my dad's point of view. He wrote this article specifically for my blog, and because of things he has observed between guys and girls in this generation...
What's Wrong With Guys Today?
As a father I have observed several disturbing tendencies in the young dating age guys of this generation. I have listed six of these disturbing tendencies below. You are welcome to add to the list.
1. Social retardation.
When I speak of social retardation I am not talking about social awkwardness. All of us experience this, some greater than others, but nonetheless we all experience it. By social retardation I mean a total lack of desire or 'know how' when approaching people in general, but especially girls. Don't blame it on shyness. I don't think there was anyone more shy than myself as a teenager but when it came to girls the male God-given drive surpassed my shyness. If I saw a girl I liked I mustered the courage to talk to her. We didn't have technology to cower behind. Today, guys simply start texting a girl. We had to write letters which required some thinking beyond the typical “Hey, what’s up?” in texting lingo. We had to pick up the phone and have an actual conversation. I am glad for modern technology. The problem is when it replaces meaningful dialogue that can only take place in either a letter, phone call, or social interaction.
2. Misdirected Male Drive
As a teenage guy I liked my mustang 5.0. I liked playing basketball and hanging out with the guys on Friday night. But none of these things that males like doing had a stronger pull than a beautiful girl. When a beautiful girl came my way I would break the wallet putting gas in the 5.0 to go see her. I ditched the guys on Friday nights because I would rather sit down across from a pretty girl and stare at her face and hear the sound of a female voice and smell the sweet perfume. 'Back in the day', I would drive 40 minutes just to eat lunch for 30 minutes with my now wife. I called her when I couldn't drive to see her and spent almost every weekend going to church with her and just hanging out with her. This was more pleasant than hanging out with smelly, sweaty guys. Sometimes I wonder if guys today still have testosterone. This God created chemical seems on the endangered list. Or, their male drive is misdirected toward violent video games, sports, fast cars, or lifted trucks.
3. Waiting for the perfect lady.
There is no such thing as a perfect lady or perfect guy in the fallen world we live in. The very concept of finding the perfect mate misunderstands the purpose of marriage. Marriage is not meant to be a ‘happily ever after’ fairytale. If it were, it would not be an example of Christ's marriage with the Church. The Church is not perfect, although she is being made perfect, but rather, the Church is being redeemed. That is what marriage is about-covenant redemption. It's a fallen son and daughter of Adam coming together to find out their weaknesses, incompetencies, selfishness, pride, and all other sinful baggage they possess. It's about two imperfect people forming a committed life-long relationship that emulates the unconditional love that God has for his imperfect church. Marriage is messy, dirty, difficult, full of trials, and disagreements that must be worked through. In marriage, character is perfected, patience learned, and the Gospel of redemption displayed.
4. Deceived by beauty.
Now I am more wise than to imagine that looks are not important. But let's put looks where they belong. This should not be the primary drive behind who we pursue. Let's be honest, looks can change drastically in a short time. Must I point out people who were in their day the Barbie and Ken icons that are now just plain.....I'll be nice here. Girls who seek the muscular image, what are you going to do when he gets fat? Guys that are looking for a runway model, how long do you think she will actually look like that? Let's be realistic with ourselves. Beauty is fleeting and deceitful. When it is gone all that remains is what is inside the person.
5. Lack of chivalry.
Chivalry was a code of conduct practiced by the medieval knights. The code called for the knight to be loyal, courteous, protective, honorable, and gentle. They lived to serve their king and country, defend the crown, and honor the ladies.
Knights who lived by the code of chivalry were to show self control, respect to authority and to women, protect the innocent or those weaker or unarmed, they were never to attack an unarmed foe, attack from behind, or use a weapon on an opponent that was not equal to the attack. They were to administer justice, avoid cheating, lying and torture, and were expected to avenge the wronged. In dating practices, chivalry translated to acts such as walking on the street side of the lady, laying down your coat so that she could walk over a puddle of water, practicing self control toward the lady and just plain civility. Today, this may look like holding the door for the lady, opening a car door, holding her purse for her, helping her put on her coat, and any other act of kindness you can think of.
I admit that I fall short of consistently practicing this daily in my own marriage but I did practice it while dating. Girls, if a guy lacks any sense of chivalry dating, you can be sure he will never practice it once married.
6. Serial intimate relationship
Intimacy is reserved for marriage. It is unhealthy for a guy or girl to be involved in serial intimate relationships before marriage. Christian guys and girls often copy worldly dating practices which leads to many regrets and heartaches. In fact, modern dating is nothing more than divorce practice. When things don't work out the guy or girl just walk away with no strings attached leaving someone's heart broken. Christian dating should be done in such a way that neither the guy or girl is led into temptation. Going out alone without accountability is asking for trouble. Girls, if the guy can't wait to get you alone he does not have good intentions. He should have no problem meeting your parents, going to church, and being with you in a social environment. You will actually learn more about a person in a social environment than you will alone with them. You can see if they are stuck on themselves, selfish, backbiters, gossipers etc. better in a social setting than being alone with them. I am not saying that a guy and girl should never be alone but this time should be limited, especially in the early dating stage. Guys, don't rush in with hormones, and girls, don't rush in with emotions. Be patient.
I hope this post enlightened you to some of the problems this generation is facing when it comes to our perception of dating. Please don't try to rush into a committed relationship without the right intentions. Don't try to change God's design for a romantic relationship. If you go about things in the right way, it will be worth the wait.